| Nearing Medical Clearance-I Can Feel It |
[Nov. 27th, 2004|10:14 am] |
Monday, September 27, 2004
Nearing Medical Clearance-I Can Feel It
I feel so blessed! The snow-covered mountains ahead of me, rain-snow filled clouds above me. I’m up in Breckenridge at the Colorado Public Health Association Annual Meeting. What a wild ride this has been.
I’m beginning to feel the transition happening internally-anticipating a return to Jamaica sooner than later. I have another week to be in Denver and I can already guess I’ll experience a bit of a post-wonderful time depression.
Friday, October 1, 2004
A restless sort of day. Up early, like yesterday. Met Ellen at Peaberry’s in Littleton. We spent almost four hours gabbing and reviewing my partner letter. I’m so excited about all the possibilities that have been manifesting during these months. Being with friends and colleagues in Breckenridge was a real boost in my arm, so to speak. The risks involved feel edgy. . .asking friends to support the project, no questions asked.
Yesterday I got up early and made it to the Colorado Motors Vehicle Branch on W. Mississippi. Although my drivers license is valid through next April, I figured it’d be easy enough to get it renewed so I can always be sure I’m driving on a current license. Go figure-the computer system throughout the Branch was messed up for about a week and all those folks who couldn’t get through last week would be in line this week. Rumors (and news) said that folks waited for over 5 hours to get their business taken care of. Yea gads. Then I realized how it was a sweet reminder of my return to Jamaica. Shift, slowly begin shifting. Steady. Steady. Steady. Fortunately, I was 11th in line and made it out of there in about 25 minutes. The new one will be good for 10 years, will be mailed to Indianapolis with a new digital picture and a new fingerprint taken),
On to Dr. Metros office to pick up all my paperwork and lab work. Made sure I had everything needed for COS. Good news-all the tests revealed good health!
After that, over to the Ross Hills Library. Ready for some serious email catching up, work on proposal, etc. Quickly drove to Glendale Library for access to Microsoft Office. Sat down at 10 and the next thing I knew, it was almost 1:00! I got all the medical and dental forms copied and prepared to be sent to Robin. I wrote back to my new contact about Project Lifestyles. I finished and mailed more thank you notes.
I arrived at Blair’s place about 4, to pick up the final copy of Women Who Run With the Wolves. Then over to Armazen, the coffee shop/bookstore Blair and Mauricio own. What a great spot! I set up my laptop, bought a hot chai and went to work on my letter. One guy walked past several times, noticing me quite intent on my work and he said, “Still working, eh?” I looked up at him through my reading glasses and said, “More like playing.”
By almost eight, I was tired, hungry and ready to head back to Kevin’s. Got in the car and heard the Presidential debate. Captivated. Hoping Lyssa and Austin wouldn’t be watching a movie like they said they would , I really wanted to see the debate between Bush and Kerry. By the time 10:30 rolled around, I was really tired. Two nights in a row now that I’ve wanted to skip my therapy and then I remember Bill’s words, about how so many people get to where I am and then stop because they’re feeling better, have more movement, etc.
There are a few things happening on the personal side of life which are also bringing a great deal of love and joy into my life. |
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| Where to Begin an Ending? |
[Nov. 14th, 2004|10:20 am] |
Sunday, November 14, 2004
Where to Begin an Ending?
It’s about peace. It’s about quiet. It’s about green. It’s about pale yellow and white. It’s about silence.
It’s about being alone. It’s about separation.
I’m back in Jamaica, sitting on my bed, candles lit, music playing. I will recreate aspects of this incredible space in whatever new space I enter. How much am I experiencing right now? Closing out my time as a Peace Corps Volunteer in Jamaica. Dealing with the anger and disappointment. Not having a clear vision of my future.
There’s been so much happening yet I’ll focus on the here and now.
I feel better. I feel resolved. I feel calmer. I feel more confident.
I will trust that I’ll work through this and find out where I belong next. The dream’s vaporized. The shock of Suchet’s denial of my reinstatement request is wearing off, four weeks later. The anger, the confusion, the intensity, the fear, the grief, the loss.
While I’m investigating options for the decision to be reconsidered, I also need to move in some way. The loss of momentum. Being stagnant from July to October, waiting, first to heal. Three months later (October 6th), I received the medical clearance from Dr. Misamore. Filled with excitement about my new project, I did a lot to find resources and materials to support my work in Jamaica, sharing my project with so many friends and colleagues, jazzed! jazzed! jazzed! So when I first heard that the reinstatement had been denied, I just caved into shock and depression. Then major, major anger and finding creative and healthy outlets for it. The worst time was between October 19th and November 5th. Thankfully, I was visiting Preston in Kentucky and it was so good to have his support and understanding. We thought through a million and one possibilities which resulted in a formal appeal of the decision. Then I stayed with Libby and her family, continuing to look at options and strategies. I thought I’d be there for a few days and I ended up staying two weeks.
Being on an edge of transition. Nothing fits anymore. I’m a bit stuck, looking back and wanting “back” to be “now” yet it’s not. I don’t fit in “back” anymore. Wanting “next” to be here now, yet it’s not. I don’t fit in “next” either. I don’t fit in Jamaica. I don’t fit in Colorado. Do I know what I want? Each day brings the answer. This morning while walking on the beach with Buday and Mark, I had this strong sensation that it’s not time for me to return to Denver. Can or do I continue to apply for jobs? Where? What kind? What to do with this online journal? |
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| What Is Going On? |
[Oct. 23rd, 2004|10:20 am] |
Saturday, October 23, 2004
What Is Going On?
The good news! I received medical clearance on October 6th! I was so excited to get the news, Scott, my PT and I talked a lot about what I can continue to do to strengthen my shoulder in the months ahead. I called Peace Corps Washington the same day to request reinstatement. All this time, I’ve remained focused on healing and returning to work in Jamaica with the University of the West Indies and the school project in Maryland. I’ve spent time developing the project, getting ideas from my friends and colleagues in public health. And I’ve been SO excited for my return.
Well, I received disturbing and perplexing news on October 12th that my request for reinstatement has been denied. First for one reason, then it was changed to another. I’m trying to sort out the truth of the matter and still have a few more phone calls to make to see this to a final resolution.
No matter what, I remain committed to service, to health and know my life is in God’s hands. These tests of faith, of walking through the fire can only strengthen and transform me. In my lesser moments, I feel dazed and confused, uncertain and scared. Just like all the other challenges I’ve faced and overcome, I will pass through this one as well. Once again, God works in mysterious ways and I will seek love and peace as the days unfold. |
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| The Fall Equinox is Upon Us and Ivan Has Passed |
[Sep. 21st, 2004|10:10 am] |
Tuesday, September 21, 2004
The Fall Equinox is Upon Us And Ivan Has Passed
The aspen leaves are the color of golden sunflowers, shimmering and quaking amongst the ever-green pines of the Colorado Rockies. The pristine blue sky, cloudless and pure, reflects the sunlight and I am filled with wholeness and awe in Colorado.
I’m losing track of the weeks since the injury, is it just over 11? With the exception of a 36 hour trip back to Indianapolis to see Scott, my physical therapist, I’ve been in Denver since August 31st. There is no doubt this is my home!
So what has happened in the past weeks? First and foremost, give thanks that the eye of Hurricane Ivan wobbled just as it approached the south side of Jamaica. I was so surprised and grateful to talk to Mark, Clifton and Mary Friday morning as everyone was preparing for the worst. As the day progressed, I was filled with concern and worry as the Hurricane neared the island. I drove to Boulder that evening for the Dances of Universal Peace, knowing the most intense time was happening between then and about four in the morning. Just as the dance began, a strong wind whipped up, down and over the foothills, breathing and shrilling through the high church windows above us. A few people commented on the wind’s strength. I asked the leader if I could say a few words and brought to everyone’s attention that the eye of Hurricane Ivan was about to hit Kingston Harbor, that the winds we were experiencing were nothing compared to what millions of people were about ready to experience and asked everyone to say some extra prayers for all the Peace Corps staff and volunteers and Jamaicans about to experience a Category 4+ hurricane. Several people later said how glad they were that I said something, that it helped put things in perspective. I cried as we sang the last dance, “From this circle of love, from this circle of love, from this circle of love, we send you peace,” lifting our hands upward and outward. My heart was filled with my own sense of human fraility, fear and helplessness. As Habib hugged me as I cried, he reminded me, “It’s all God, the good and bad.” Seeing that I was I crumbling mess, I realized that the highest response I could have was to be to be calm and trusting and still and at peace within myself. I prayed the entire drive home on the Boulder Turnpike, “God, please spare and sustain them. God, please spare and sustain them.”
As soon as I arrived back at Kevin’s, near 11:30 pm, I called Hope, happy to actually connect with her. She wondered what was going on, whether the eye had passed yet, so I hung up, quickly logged onto the National Hurricane Center website and called her back. Lo and behold! Within the past hour or two, the eye wobbled away and was already 35 miles away from Kingston! We chatted for at least 30 minutes or so and I was happy to know everyone (PCVs) had been accounted for and was in one of four consolidation sites across the island. I spoke with several other friends, including Clifton, over the next several days and was so relieved to hear, that in relative terms, conditions were far better than it had appeared in the hours before Ivan arrived. |
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| Nine Weeks Post Injury |
[Sep. 5th, 2004|03:09 pm] |
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September 5, 2004
Nine Weeks Post Injury
I’ve missed writing. And now I hardly know where to begin! Give thanks for the sweet Sound of Music song that can get me going again. . . “Let’s start at the very beginning, it’s a very good place to start . . . doe, a deer. . .” Okay, now on with it!
The past weeks have been a long and windy road. I’m in Denver again, having arrived here last Tuesday, the 31st. Once again, I feel so much peace and joy when I’m here, a true sense of belonging and home.
August 14-19: Indianapolis. I arrived on the 14th from Denver just in time to make it to my youngest nephew’s “White Coat Ceremony.” Blake, 23, is just beginning medical school and Indiana University has a time honored tradition of inducting each new class member with their first “white coat.” Seeing Blake “all grown up” and heading towards his life purpose was such a blessing. He’ll be the third generation physician in the family, following his father and grandfather. As I arrived at the Murat Temple from the airport, my older nephew, Brad, 25, met me, all dressed up in his Marine Corps uniform, hat and all! He carried himself with such a strong and confident presence, having just finished the first phase of his Commissioned Officer training in Quantico. He graduated two nights before Blake’s ceremony. I am so proud of these young men, and to really see them as young men, finding their way and purpose and direction in the world is awesome and inspiring.
On a completely different note, yet one filled with happiness, I finally got my laptop fixed! After two years of having an LCD screen problem, I spent two and a half hours on the phone with Dell (give thanks it was even possible!) and the next day, a technician was out to the house and fixed the problem!
Peace Corps Washington called me on the 18th to tell me I’d be medically separated on the 21st. Expecting the decision, I still cried. While I’ve become more comfortable in saying goodbye and experiencing closure over the years, I still felt grief, all the while knowing that once the healing process continues and I remain focused on returning to Jamaica as soon as Dr. Misamore medically clears me. The timing is still unknown, one of the most unsettling aspects of this awkward time. I don’t do “being in limbo” well. You know, not being able to plan, not knowing where to go or what to do. With this analytical brain of mine, I have mentally created every scenario possible. What if. . . .it takes me six months to a year to heal? Would I wait that long? Do I need to find a job right now? Will I go further into debt to cover my living expenses? What about my space and belongings in Jamaica? The work to be done in Jamaica? Where will I live during this period of limbo? I’m sure the decibels of my mind’s monkey chatter exceed OSHA’s safety standards (Occupational Health and Safety Agency). Thank heavens, I’ve had friends to listen as I’ve struggled to accept the “not knowing” and to make sense out of all this.
August 20-27: A last minute surprise flight from Indianapolis to Maryland. Dana called just days before, asking me to fly out to be with her, her husband Ale and their two and a half year old son Leo as she was about to give birth to their second son! It was all quite surreal and fabulous. Dana is the daughter of my very dear friends David and Carolyn. I met Carolyn when she was 8 ½ months pregnant with Dana over 29 years ago! Carolyn’s two week visit was coming to an end with no baby in sight. I arrived Friday about noon, Dana, Leo and Carolyn picking me up at the airport. Dana, like no one else I know, makes pregnancy so sexy! She looked great in the cutest, tightest, strapless lime green, white and yellow dress. She and I took a walk that afternoon and by ten pm, called the Birthing Center since her contractions were strong and regular. By then, Carolyn postponed her flight. Long story short, Paolo arrived at 5:16 am Saturday morning and I was there to witness his birth, my first one ever! Oh my heavens-it was so beautiful and God bless Dana, she delivered without any drugs! Carolyn and I brought Leo to the Center about 4 in the morning and he was so excited to meet his new brother. This is one of the many gifts I’ve received because of my broken bone. Carolyn flew home Saturday afternoon and I stayed for the week, cooking, doing laundry, running errands, going to Paolo and Dana’s appointments. It was all so sweet.
While there, I took the redline Metro into Washington and dropped off three forms with original signatures to Peace Corps, getting the ball rolling on my close of service. There’s a very prescriptive procedure of paperwork, forms to fill out for medical bills that now will be paid through a workers compensation claim with the U.S. Department of Labor, completing a Description of Service, arranging for a physical and dental exam, yada, yada, yada. I’m grateful my close of service date was August 21 and not July 18th for many reasons. Physically and emotionally, I’m in a better space to handle it. For each of the first three or four days post separation, I spent two to fours on the phone, getting information, understanding what needs to happen, etc. . Each week since then, I deal with phone calls and emails and correspondence to put all the pieces together.
What feels so funny is that ultimately, I’ll be reversing all of this, hopefully sooner than later, as I heal enough to request reinstatement and head back. Once again, I’m learning to live in the paradoxes of life and just keep going down the road.
I do have a few certainties in all of this. That I see Scott, my handsome physical therapist every other week and I see Dr. Misamore monthly. Both are in Indianapolis, a challenging place for me to be without having a home or community of friends around. After talking with Peace Corps about my medical care and how changing physicians will complicate payment, I’ve decided to continue my care in Indianapolis. No question, the healthiest place for me to be is Denver, which led to book two back-to-back flights to and from Indianapolis and Denver. Fortunately, one was already paid for, the flight that was cancelled back in July, and the second one I nabbed for $206!
So. . . give thanks! I’ll be in Denver for all of September, barring 36 hours when I’ll fly back to see Scott! I’m basing myself at Kevin’s yet in the six days I’ve been here so far, I’ve stayed with Gloria and Stacy and Erik. I have so much to be thankful for . . . the time with such dear friends, the chance to review all my finances and personal business, time to spend with Kenna Lee and the list goes on. I need and want to spend a lot more time journaling, as I know this time will come to an end and I want to capture the lessons that are presenting themselves.
And very cool news . . . my shoulder is healing so well that I can now drive Lilith with her manual transmission! Okay, how many people name their cars? I think it’s a woman thing. My dark green 1997 Toyota RAV4 is Lilith, stored in Gloria’s garage in Colorado Springs. Another notable indicator of my healing process is that I changed the sheets on a full size bed all by myself! Yes, slowly but surely, I heal. I received a second massage from Mary in southern Indiana a week or so ago, and will see Borden each week I’m here in Denver. I’m absolutely convinced that their gifts of healing speed up my recovery process, along with diligently doing my four sets of exercises a day. Scott added a few news ones to my repertoire last week. Dr. Misamore and I looked at my x-rays and the bone looks beautiful to us! It’s clear the fragmented part has reattached itself and as Scott said, “It would take something ballistic at this point for it to be damaged,” thus, opening the way to push the physical therapy. Dr. Misamore said I was ahead of the game on my strength, and just a bit behind on my range of motion. Again, time does heal and I’m catching glimmers of a light at the end of the tunnel. My hope is to return before the end of the year and I’ll know only on a month to month basis. I see Dr. Misamore again on October 6th.
Another HUGE blessing and sign of progress is that I started running again! Dr. Misamore said no problem and Scott gave me a bit of advice and a few things to look for. I ran for the first time in MONTHS last Wednesday at Washington Park, a full loop around the two and a half mile perimeter. With the exception of working out on a recumbent bike at Dana’s for five days, my workouts have been minimal. I’ve lost a lot of overall body strength and tone and trust that my running run will help get me back into shape. Not only does physical activity make my body feel better, it clears my mind from all the monkey chatter and cobwebs.
In the meantime, here in Denver, I’m working on the proposal for my Jamaica project, in correspondence with my supervisor at UWI’s Department of Community Health, M.P.H. program. Classes begin tomorrow and I’m just about finished with a list of resources that she’ll distribute to the MPH students on Tuesday. I’m focused on getting this grant proposal together and garnering whatever support I can while I’m here. While the entire proposal has a price tag of about $35,000US, priorities are to raise ~$10,000 US to get each of the 500 children from the three Woodford schools down to Papine and into FISH, a medical clinic for a complete physical (dental, vision, hearing and medical). The next priority is to raise about $2500US to purchase the health education curricula for the teachers and students from the Caribbean Food and Nutrition Institute. I’d be thrilled to get those pieces pulled together while I’m here. And once again, I’m blessed to be surrounded by people who share my interests and values. . . while waiting to board my flight to Denver, a man near me, smiled, said hello and asked if I was heading home. Hard to believe how that question stumped me, or the simple question I get a lot, “What’s your address?” Anyway, he’s the Vice President of International Programs for ProLiteracy Worldwide, an organization dedicated to literacy, health, peace, poverty reduction and social justice to name a few. He changed seats to sit by me and we talked the entire time about our work and values. He wants me to send him a copy of my proposal! Best case scenario, his organization would fund portions AND Lynn could connect me to other organizations that would be interested. On top of that, Borden connected me to Ben Allen, an Evergreen Colorado Rotarian responsible for international programs for the Evergreen chapter. Ben and I hit it off immediately and he invited me to come to the Rotary Club meeting last Friday morning. In addition to Ben, I met two other people committed to international service work and will continue dialogue with all of them to see what kind of partnerships are possible.
AND a very cool thing happened after my presentation to the Colorado SOPHE group during my first stint in Denver. (SOPHE stands for the Society of Public Health Educators, a national professional organization.) I shared my project with the ten folks that came for the meeting and at least one gift has already been given! Lynnette Olds used to work for Denver’s Hall of Life, an interactive museum designed for K-12 students. The concept is that the children go with their classmates go to the Hall of Life at least once every year and have a hands-on experience of learning about age-specific health issues. While funding problems have all but closed the doors to the Hall of Life, Lynnette contacted her former supervisors, asking if some of the health education models and materials could be donated to my project and the answer is a resounding YES! Is that cool or what?! I’ll pick those up while I’m here and either take them back with me or see if I can find someone to donate costs for shipping.
I’m very aware of how I’ve become lost in my own forest, surrounded by dense trees and thick brush during this time. Meandering my way through this healing process, I’ve been led to Caroline Myss’ book, Why People Don’t Heal and How They Can, a beautiful book that deals with deeper issues of healing processes. She speaks of seeing illness or injury from three perspectives, Tribal (external), Individual (internal) and Symbolic (archetypal). She’s been a compass in leading me out of the forest to a meadow in which I can gain distance and perspective. I can feel a significant, positive shift in the past four or five days and feel more infused with hope than I have in many weeks. From her book (page 37) “. . . Whether we are healed or in the process of healing, we will always need a community of loving friends and family—a community based not solely on wounds or neediness but also on shared interests and emotional nurturing. Healing does not represent the closure of the needs of the heart; rather it is a doorway toward opening your heart.” |
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| A Beautiful Day |
[Aug. 10th, 2004|08:35 am] |
Tuesday, August 10, 2004
A Beautiful Day
I feel sane again. Murphy and I just finished a long walk around Washington Park, some of the most sacred ground in my universe! The lakes, the geese, the trees, the roller bladers, runners, bicyclists. The magnificent Rocky Mountains on the western horizon, the green grassy soccer fields, flower beds painted by the hand of God. Peace, serenity, sanity.
I’ve been happier in these seven days in Denver than I’ve been in months. To love and be loved. I am reminded of who and what I DO have here in this precious place, something I lost track of before joining the Peace Corps.
Praise God, I am healing beautifully. The pain has lessened significantly. I was a bit concerned two weeks ago when soon after a massage I felt lightening bolts of pain shooting from my shoulder to my wrist. Dr. Misamore and all say, no worries, it’s part of the healing process of the bones reconnecting. I continue receiving great advice from many people and realize how important this time is. As Tom said, “The time you have to heal now, you won’t have five years from now.” And believe me, I plan on getting my forty or fifty pound backpack back on my back when this is all said and done. There are mountains waiting to be climbed. My physical therapy has been expanded from three to eight exercises, four sets a day. My range of motion improves every day and I’m even beginning to lift things with my left hand, a full 24-oz water bottle even!
The pace has been fast and furious since I’ve been here, soaking up in time with friends, talking, processing lives, changes, joys and challenges. Rita, Kevin, Joni, Lee, Blair, Michael, Bob, Patric, Preston, Arthur, Frieda, Gloria, Leslie, Christi, Doug, Jules, Janel, Jan, Noel, David, Melanie, Snip, Stacy, Erik, Kenna, Martha, Ellen, Borden, Mary, Julie and the friends go on!
And Murphy! Dear, sweet Murphy! The way he ran to Lee’s door, wagging and shaking his entire body when I walked up last Tuesday evening made it seem as if I’d never left! And the look of surprise on Lee’s face as she sat in her favorite leather recliner will stay with me for a long time! That and a timeless moment when Patric and I drove away from DIA, the skies crystal clear and blue, the sun warm, the air dry, the majestic mountains ahead of me.
I’m off to a Colorado SOPHE (Society of Public Health Educators) meeting that’s been hastily organized. I’ll share a bit of my work in Jamaica and can’t wait to get more ideas on the work that awaits me when I return to Jamaica.
Indeed, everyting's gonna be alright. |
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| Two Weeks Post D.O.I. (Date of Injury) |
[Jul. 18th, 2004|04:01 pm] |
Sunday, July 18, 2004
Two Weeks Post D.O.I. (Date of Injury)
I write from Tom’s beautiful log home nestled in the hills and green trees of Hoosier forests. If I can’t be in the lush, greenness of my Jamaican Blue Mountains, at least I can be in the palm of Mother Earth here in southern Indiana. Moments of peace again. Out of Indianapolis. Out of the city. Back to the country. Trees and rolling hills are all I can see from my chair, through the wood framed sliding glass door and beyond the deck. Healing music caresses my body, mind and spirit as I continue to come to grips with new realities.
I began writing this before noon. Now it’s after nine in the evening. Like my thoughts, the sentences are chopped, scattered, stopping and starting, fragmented. It seems to take a lot to get it together.
Body, mind and spirit. Slowly, healing comes. Slowly, my bones meld. Give thanks, the xrays taken this past Friday show, again, the bones are in the right place and no surgery will be needed. Only time. I had my first physical therapy appointment (with Aaron) and have begun my own exercises, three or four different ones, sets of 10 to 15 four times each day. I am happy to move my shoulder again, even if in small ways. I’m encouraged by the progress made these past two weeks. The swelling is gone, the bruising is well, hard to miss. It weirded me out when Erin told me the bruising was from the blood loss of my bone, not from any muscles or tendons. I just don’t think about these things too often to remember that, duh, blood flows through everything in our bodies. He’s saying that my muscles and tendons are okay. How he knows that, I’m not sure yet I trust. I’ll return in another two weeks, a month post injury when the majority of the bones will be healed. His frame of reference for bones to heal is typically between 4 and 6 weeks.
Besides adjusting to the actual injury, discomfort and limitations it brings, I’m also adjusting to simple being back in the states, with so much of everything. TVs, electricity, hot water, I feel quite out of sorts, out of time and out of sync.
I picked up a book at the library last week, “Writing to Save Your Life.” The first exercise is to explore fear. What am I afraid of? Being disabled. Being alone. Being dependent. Being still. Being inactive. Being a burden. Being angry. Being sad. Being unsettled. Being in other peoples space and not my own. Being “disconnected” (physically and now with limited internet access at Tom’s). Being “out of control.” Being displaced. Being “homeless.”
I arrived here at Tom’s Saturday afternoon after my first week at Mom and Dad’s. I am so not used to being with people 24/7 and face challenges and choices at multiple levels. I hardly know what to write for this online journal anymore. That I went to the library? That I’m happy to take warm baths on an almost daily basis? That I’m confused? That I receive so much love and support from my friends in Denver? That I cry? That I postponed my trip to Denver? That I miss my PCV and Jamaica friends a lot? That after each interaction with Peace Corps Washington and conversations with friends and families that different decisions and directions are needed and taken? That I have good days and not so good days? Isn’t that life for all of us? Perhaps my daily gratitudes?
Yesterday, Saturday:
- For Mom and Dad driving me to Tom’s place in Ninevah, Indiana.
- For the steady rains that’ve made the corn grow six feet high this early in July
- For helping Tom and Tammy to give Sadie, the neighbors beautiful dog a bath with Clariol’s Herbal Essence shampoo
- For the healing energy and unconditional love of Sadie and Tammy’s dog, Parker
- For the porch swing of solid oak and the wooden glider on the back deck
- For a wonderful evening with Tom’s friends Steve and Carol. The more I talked about Jamaica and the work I was beginning to do, the more excited and energized I felt, reminding me of the great needs that exist
- That I can write in my journal and on my laptop. Praise God!
Today, Sunday:
- For the phone calls coming from friends
- For the fresh strawberries, blueberries and raspberries
- For the walk with Parker
- For a day of beautiful weather, cool temperatures and sunny skies
- For God’s grace
- For music and candles and quiet
- For time in the porch swing
I know, this all shall pass and I’m focused on a speedy return to Jamaica. That’s my goal and hasn’t changed since I’ve left despite so many questions and, seemingly, shifts in direction. God is at the helm, that’s all I know. |
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| My Life is a Buddhist Sand Painting |
[Jul. 11th, 2004|04:08 pm] |
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Saturday, July 11, 2004
My Life is a Buddhist Sand Painting
While I’ve never personally witnessed the very sacred process, I’ve learned a little of the process that Buddhist monks go through to create spectacular, colorful and intentional sand mandalas. Elders train the monks for this special work over long periods of time. When the mandala is complete, a prayer service is held and the entire work of art is raised and released into the wind, symbolizing the importance of detachment.
I can’t think of a better metaphor to describe my life right now. After a year of ups and downs, of creating the most perfect site assignment, combining the Woodford school based health education program with the University of the West Indies, Department of Community Health, Master’s of Public Health program, of feeling settled and hopeful, whoosh. . . a mysterious wind arises and at first glance, appears to have blown it all away. Deep down, though, I feel like I’m not done with Jamaica. The needs are so great and as challenging as it’s been, I want to be back as soon as I can.
So where do I even begin? I have felt so loved and supported by so many people from the moment this happened, I know I’m not alone in this process even though I feel so separated from my Jamaica family. I write this from Indianapolis, Indiana after being “medically evacuated” from Jamaica on Wednesday after breaking my upper left humerus on Saturday, July 3, 2004. The break happened on the top right side of the bone with another fracture through the head. Imagine the bone going into your shoulder, the top rounded part that fits right into the ball and socket joint. Imagine the top rounded part as the face of a clock. Imagine a line going from about 1:30 to 4:00. That approximates the break. It took until Wednesday for decisions to be made on what to do and I’ve been in a state of shock and stupor, besides pain, ever since it’s happened. Thankfully, the pain lessens every day.
The ER doc and orthopedic specialist in Kingston both said surgery would be needed. Peace Corps policy is that surgeries requiring general anesthesia require treatment in the states. The Kingston orthopedic surgeon said general anesthesia would be needed because the injury is so high. So . . . I talked with Bill, my brother-in-law, an M.D. in Indianapolis and he knows an orthopedic specialist who ONLY works on shoulders. He was able to see me Thursday morning and gave me the surprising news that because the bones are aligned, surgery is not needed! Great news indeed, yet confusing because I wonder if I needed to be medically evacuated after all. He said adult bones take 8-12 weeks to heal completely, definitely putting me over the 45 day period that Peace Corps has for volunteers to be well enough to return to post. As I understand, if a PCV is “medically cleared” within 12 months, they can request reinstatement to country. Two things have to happen- 1) the country wants the PCV back and 2) a job is available. I see Dr. Misamore this coming Friday. He’ll do another xray to be sure the bones are still aligned and I’ll have my first physical therapy appointment.
What happens in the meantime is what is unknown. As you can imagine, I’ve been in such a raw state of pain, shock and stupor. Grief-the sudden sense of multiple losses, being away from my friends and community, not being able to begin the “work” that I was so ready to kick into in August. I say work, because at this point, it was becoming play, doing what I love with a community of people I know and trust and love; not being able to say goodbye to my Jamaica family, leaving so much behind, emotionally, spiritually and physically. Denial-not wanting to believe this has happened, denial that this could mean being separated from Peace Corps. Anger-why did I fall the way I did? Being completely out-of-control. Why now? Tearful-the physical pain, the stress, the love and support. All the uncertainties. As much as I want to continue plans to go to Denver on the 17th (Doc says it’s okay, yet I’m not sure if I have the energy to figure out logistics-driving, where I’d be staying, etc.), I’m just going to take things one hour at a time.
God works in mysterious ways and I’m grateful for my friends of Spirit. Ellen wrote, “There is purpose in your injury. Think of the 13th Century Chartres Labyrinth. .. the path leads us to the center but not in a straight, rational, linear fashion.” And funny that yesterday’s reading was in Ecclesiastes, 3: 1-8- For everything, there is a season . . .
I know the key right now is healing and minimal stress and motion. Other questions that circle through my head -- Where do I live? For how long? Who will help me? How do I support myself? What health insurance and benefits are available? How long will I need help? While my family’s home is Indianapolis, it’s not mine. I’m unable to return to my home in Denver since it’s rented and I don’t have income to pay the bills. I know it’s not time to make to decisions yet I want something known. I want stability. I want strength, I want peace and healing. And, if this past year didn’t prepare me for something like this, I don’t know what could’ve. Patience, perseverance, faith, trust and love.
I’m just zoning a lot, doing a lot of nothing. How hard is that for this frenetic being? Thank heavens, I have full use of both hands and I can use the computer keyboard. I’m having a hard time settling in and settling down. I spent yesterday with my sister, sat in the sun by her pool which felt great. I went for a walk with Becky and Bill and that felt great as well. Tom (my brother) has called me every day. There’s a strong chance I’ll go to his place in the hills of southern Indiana next week and stay with him for a week or so after that.
I guess I’m just in the early stages of re-creating another beautiful sand painting. |
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| Good News, Bad News |
[Jul. 4th, 2004|06:14 pm] |
Good news-the hike was fantastic, the group that went was terrific. The bad news, I took a really hard fall and have done some serious damage to my left shoulder. I've been at the ER since 1 today, now at Peace Corps with the nurse before going back to see the orthopedic specialist in another hour or so. I'm so ticked, yet these things happen and I'll make the best of it.
I know I'll be laying low the next several days and with Digicel's intermittent service, I'll have limited access to the internet and email.
I've been in a lot of pain since it happened around 3:00 yesterday and was grateful to make it back into Kingston. We were so far into this remote and spectacular area that we had no phone signals. We stopped hiking about an hour after it happened, camped for the night and headed out this morning about 8. I couldn't have been with a better group of people and everyone was so helpful and supportive.
I'll write more as soon as I can, yet just wanted to give you the update. |
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| Awesome news about my site! |
[Jul. 2nd, 2004|06:12 pm] |
Friday, July 2, 2004
Awesome News about My Site!
Guess what?! I’m going to be formally assigned to the University of the West Indies, Department of Community Health, MPH Programs! It’s a longer story than what I have time for this morning, yet suffice it to say I am absolutely thrilled! Alicia and I met with Professor Desmalee Nevins, the Coordinator of the MPH (Health Promotion/Health Education focus) to work out details. This was after the introduction by Professor Brendan Bain.
I sat down the other night and used a “mapping” technique that I learned about years ago and that’s when I could see all the pieces coming together and it’s awesome. I’ll be working with the MPH students, doing some teaching, getting as many as are interested involved in the Woodford school-based health education project, etc. The fit is awesome, in that I’ll be able to write grants fairly easily and what a great organization to be the recipient of the funds. Alicia and I left feeling very excited and I asked her if we needed to set an appointment with the director of the Southeast Regional Health Authority just to check out one final option. She paused and then looked at me with the message all over her face and in so many words said, “Are you nuts? This is as good as it gets!” We both smiled and said, “No, guess not.”
So, I wrote up a TOR (a common phrase down here for Terms of Reference), basically a “contract/job description). I had drafted one back in early May so it just took a few hours to modify it and I emailed it from Peace Corps to both Alicia and Mrs. Nevins. We just have to get a few papers signed and the deal will be closed! I’m aiming for July 10 just to have this resolved before I head to the states. Then, I’ll come back in early August ready to jump right in. I’m blessed, too, because it’s just a 20 minute walk from Papine! There’s an NCB bank office on campus and overall, I think it will simplify things in a big way. My commute time will be reduced tremendously, plus I’m hopeful to be able to run on campus and enjoy some of the other benefits of being on the campus.
THAT is definitely the biggest news of my week.
It rained here for 40 minutes nonstop yesterday. We need the water so bad. Feels a bit more humid today. I’m heading to Brea, Angie’s and Brian’s in a few hours. We’re gonna make mandalas tonight and tomorrow morning, a group of about 15 of us are going on a hike from Port Maria to Robin’s Bay. I don’t have a clue either, except to say it’s on the north coast and apparently a well preserved section with good hiking and views. It’ll be a combination of hiking, swimming in the Caribbean Sea, sleeping out and hiking again on Sunday morning. You should see my “camping gear”! It’s hysterical. I’m taking 4 yards of clear plastic table covering as my ground cloth, my thermarest pad and two twin flannel sheets! Oh, I do have my backpacking hammock. The folks I know that are going are really jazzed and it’s going to be a great way to get to know some 73ers before they leave, a great way to enjoy the full moon and just a chance to have some fun. I’m packing marshmallows and ginger crackers for a Jamaican version of a s’more!
Internet access has been goofy. Just a short note for now and more next week. And Happy 4th of July! God Bless the U.S.A.! |
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